The 'what ifs' - how to raise them
Once you've identified the big issues for you, you'll
need to raise them with your partner. Not always easy: 'what
ifs' can arouse uncomfortable feelings.
Couples say it's not easy to talk about what
might happen in the future:
"It's depressing
to think about what would happen if you broke up - if you start thinking
about that doesn't it mean your relationship is dodgy?"
"Since we had the
baby I feel much more worried about the future; being responsible for
another life is scary. For the first time I have nightmares about something
happening to me or to Mark. I wonder if it bothers him in the same way."
"Liz started raising
all this stuff about what would happen to her if I changed my mind or
fell under a bus. I thought it was quite insulting, didn't she trust
me?"
Using someone else's experience to get a discussion
going
A real example of a 'what if' gives you something
to talk about together. That way, you can turn a worry about the future
into a way of expressing your love for each other. Using other people's
experiences gives you a starting point that isn't threatening:
“Paul's brother was killed in an accident
on his bike. On top of her grief his partner had all sorts of problems
financially. Paul said he knew that his brother would have wanted her
to have everything and it got us thinking; what if that happened to
us? The solicitor who helped us buy our flat explained what we had to
do, it wasn't as complicated as we thought.” -
Penny, Leicester
Before you raise things…
…think about what your real concern
is
Think about how you express your worry; about how
your partner's likely to react.
…think about what your real
worry is
Is it your financial security, being able to stay
in the family home, responsibility for the children? Whatever it is,
if it really matters to you, your partner is far more likely to feel
concerned than defensive. That's important if you are going to work
out together how to turn that worry into action.
…think about how
you express your worry
If you tackle the issue in a way that accuses your
partner of not protecting you and your children, he or she will concentrate
on defending themselves, so they won't hear what your worries are.
How you say things is important. Talk about your feelings,
not your partner's failings. Explain your fears - then they have something
to relate to.
"Kerry wanted us
to marry - her mum had pushed it and so Kerry kept raising it - she
kept saying 'you don't really care about me and the baby', but that
isn't true." - Steve, Dorset
…think about
your partner's likely reaction
If you know he or she is likely to be defensive, think
about why.
"Deep down I know that
Pete loves me and would do anything for me but he has a thing about
marriage. He was married before and it broke up very bitterly. He thinks
not getting married makes things simpler for us. I'm not bothered about
getting married but I don't want me or our kids to lose out - and I
can see that could happen."
If your partner is defensive, try lowering the ante - you want to get
them on board with subjects they can relate to. A committed partner
doesn't want to leave their partner and children in a vulnerable situation.
So explain calmly what's worrying you and show them the information
so you can work out together what to do next.
|
